It was a nice gesture of the sun to try to break through the clouds, although just a few beams actually made it to the ground. I couldn’t sit still, so I was jumping around at our meeting point in front of the Stephansdom. Why was I so stupidly nervous? As I turned around, Ronin suddenly stood in front of me. His gentle smile gave me a bit of confidence. Here he was, my first client. Be a muse, I said to myself. You are lovely and beautiful and not nervous at all. You are confident and ready to take care of your client. You are gonna make this! “Are you alright?”, Ronin asked. “Are you dizzy or something? Drunk, perhaps?” Apparently my inner monologue hasn’t worked at all.
“Just immensely nervous”, I confessed. “That’s okay”, he said. “I have time. We can walk around and wait, till you are more relaxed.”
That was a nice offer. So we walked down Rotenturmstraße, then turned right at the Lugeck and at the Stadtpark I finally found enough confidence to speak.
“I also had problems feeling, for quite a long time actually, because this is a typical symptom of depression”, I started. “But I haven’t had this problem for years and I am not sure, why. But then I thought of all the little things I do to feel better. So perhaps, we could just exercise this and it will count as a muse thing?”
“We should at least try”, Ronin agreed.
“So, I do this thing, where I take just a little bit of a positive feeling and make it as big as I can. Like over there, see this nice pond? It does not make me happy immediately, but when I think of its shape and how cozy it huddles against the path, I can feel just a little, tiny bit of positive emotion. I take that, acknowledge it and I say to myself or better out loud to someone else: This is a nice looking pond.”
Ronin stared at me, in pity I reckoned. “It is a dirty pond.”
I knew, that was not the best example. I tried again. “Or I look at this blackbird. How it moves, how it is concentrating finding food, how it is watching out to avoid danger. I watch it for a short moment and I can feel it’s energy. It is not much, but for me every tiny bit counts.” Ronin nodded politely. I took him to the bridge that leads over the Wien-River. “And this seagulls” – I know, another bird – “how they can fly! How they dance with the wind, their precision, how skilful they are – that makes me feel good. Just a bit, but when I say it out loud, the feeling gets more powerful. You are wonderful!”, I shouted to a bunch of unimpressed seagulls, gliding through the cold air. I imagined how wonderful it must feel to cut through the wind, then turning a little bit to be carried up again by it’s power. I let my fantasy run free for a moment. As I came back and turned to Ronin, I caught him watching me with a curious look. “Do… do you feel it?”, I asked slightly irritated.
“The birds? No.” He came really close to my face, as if I was an interesting study object. “But I could feel something. Could it be, that I felt your emotions? Could that be? Is this a thing?”
A smile appeared on my face. “Oh yes, that is totally a thing! And we can use that!” My mood was rising fast. “I am going to show you all the good stuff I like and you will try to feel through me! That sure is a muse thing, I bet!” A blast of excitement let me take Ronins hand and I started running. It was an insane race through the inner city of Vienna. “This is a beautiful palace. When I went to school, I loved to imagine that there was a Vampire living inside it. So cool!” Ronin followed me, smiling. “Look over there, this doorway could lead to another world, full of adventure! And beyond this well, there could live a really goodlooking dragon. I love this well.” I took him to Viennas first cat café. I let him smell the Fiaker-horses. I fed him the best Gyoza in town (which you get at Crazy Noodles) and we walked through almost every cute narrow street around us. All the time I told him: “I like this”, “This gives me a good feeling” or “I enjoy walking here”. It was simple, but it worked, because I felt happy and Ronin seemed to be happy as well. “I really enjoyed that”, I told him at the end. “Sharing joy really doubles it”, I made a cheesy statement.
“I enjoyed this as well”, he said. “And I really like holding your hand.” He smiled at me again and as I smiled back something very powerful came over me. He said Good Buy and vanished into the streets. I felt dizzy and about to vomit. I managed to flee to a bench, where I sat down for a while. “Holy Guacamole!”, I said to myself. “What was that?” I was overwhelmed and confused, but of course, I actually knew, what it was. And I knew immediately, that I was in trouble.